weird to read these posts about hating loneliness and then realizing that i had a guy move in with me between then and now, was broken up with by said dude, and am now back to being alone and all that. also, lonely, but very accepting and embracing of it now instead.
*not wanting to be alone doesn’t mean a relationship, it means i am very tired of spending so much time alone because of work hours and lack of corresponding friend time. it means coming home to an empty house is incredibly sad for someone who has always been surrounded by large groups of people. it means companionship is missed. it means i am very tired of conventional relationships in which everything is scripted, contracted and set up from the start. give me relationships (friendship or otherwise) where everything is done based on how we react together and not by other peoples’ ideas of appropriate and inappropriate. all my relationships with the people around me are amazingly unique to each individual and our chemistry. some move fast (best friends after four days), some move slow (semi-good friends after 8 years) - all of it is based on feeling. that, my friends, is how it should be.
A teenage white girl descends from the heavens, recites some shit she read on Tumblr and then stomps down her foot.
There is a blinding flash of light and a tremendous boom as all racists, misogynists, pedophiles, ageists, sexists, and homophobes disappear from the earth all together in one big pop.
Thanks, teenage white girl.
found myself with a bottle of cheap beer, scraping paint off my kitchen floor using boiling water and a hair clip from middle school that once had a teal plastic cover before i peeled it. i was spilling dirty water on my wool skirt, and overdressed to sweat.
then i realized in the midst of this horribly awkward and mundane moment that i am really exhausted with lying to people about wanting to be alone.
my parents brought me food because i called them crying, again, because that is what latin families do when you call them crying - they fatten you up and do a strange sort of “you’ll be okay,” without being too emotional about it. they left after a few minutes, and i tried awkward silence to keep them around because i hardly get any human interaction outside of work—if at all—during the week. got me a good 23 seconds or so.
i’m above calling people when i’m lonely, because i would rather sit here in this itchy skirt with rashes on my knees alone than call a friend to keep me company. i am my mother’s daughter, cleaning until raw and bruised instead of being honest about my weaknesses and feelings.
follow me, baby
i am walking through our river
with bricks in my pocket, baby
to build us a new home.
hell’s kitchen tomorrow night. canyons of static, father you see queen, and paragraphs. hope i can meet some new faces!